Prepare yourself that this is a longer than usual post, but I want you to have a clear view of just how long the process can be. I'm sure there are also some of you who may have experienced, or will be experiencing longer timescales too and others where the journey will be much quicker. While it was a difficult wait, we absolutely have the right match and he is very much worth all of that time.
If you are waiting, I wanted to write this as you need to know that you are not alone if you are going through this too.
I’d heard people saying that the adoption process is a long process. I figured this meant a year, maybe 18 months top from application to our child coming home, fo us this was not the case.
For me, adoption or fostering is always something I have felt called to do, however I knew it had to be the right time. We have two birth children, so for a little while, it felt the right thing to focus on building our family as a three then a four before even considering expanding our family any more, however in October 2020 when our children were 5 and 7 we decided that adoption was something we should more carefully consider. I had recently changed my role at work and was now leading a team and I felt really uneasy about taking a year off so soon – little did I know how much time I would have.
We decided to wait for a year and made our application in the summer of 2021. This was a lengthy process, we were assessed by the stage 1 assessor, and then waited for a number of weeks (due to sickness and waiting lists) before being allocated our stage 2 social worker. While it took time to get to each point, during the two stages the time flew by as there was so much to do and consider - checks to complete, questions to answer and things to consider both individually, and as a couple. Alongside this, ensure our children were prepared but not too hopeful, as there were still so many hoops to jump through - take a look at my three part posts in supporting birth children - https://www.raisingateam.com/post/preparing-birth-children-for-panel
Our assessment was complete around May 2022 and for me, this was the beginning of the real sense of ‘waiting’. Firstly we had to wait for our panel in July. This time seemed to slow right down. We knew we were being recommended as adopters by our social worker and her manager, but would the panel feel the same? Would there be something we hadn’t foreseen that would mean this wouldn’t go ahead. We had kept our decision to apply within a small trusted group, but still, how would we tell them if we were denied. I knew that it was very unlikely things wouldn’t go to plan, we had a lot to offer, we had been open and honest about all aspects of our lives and we just knew this was the right journey for our family, but the waiting time only amplified the unnecessary worries.
The morning of the panel we were camping and I was serving on the kids team at a Christian conference. We were fortunate that our close friends were at the same conference and had a hotel room, so we did our panel virtually from there. It was the most nerve-wracking time and time dragged on.
We answered their questions the best we could, anxiously awaiting the next question and hoping we could answer it fully and well. Then came the waiting in the lobby, here the panel discussed our answers and made a recommendation. If you are at this stage, prepare yourselves. This is tough, it was probably only 5 minutes, but it felt like so much longer. Our whole family’s future was in the hands of the 10 or so strangers; something I have wanted forever and we were so desperate to begin. Our social worker joined us, reassuring us and keeping us chatting, but even that didn’t make time move any faster. At last, they joined us and gave us the positive outcome – and suddenly all the worry disappeared. We were so relieved and excited and happy! Suddenly all that time waiting seemed insignificant. We were told that we had to wait for the Agency Decision Maker to have the final say, but that it rarely didn’t go ahead if given a unanimous yes at Panel, as we had been given. We were finally able to confirm with our children, wider family and close friends that we would be adopting!
With ten months past from our initial application we were told that at any moment we could be matched with a child. Our Local Authority preferred to keep prospective adopters only matching with children from within the authority for the first three months, then within local counties for the next three before opening your ability to search for children nationally after this. We were not looking for a baby as we wanted to ensure the age gap wasn’t too big between our potential new child and our birth children, therefore a child around the 2 – 4 years mark. Social workers seemed confident that because we were looking for an ‘older child’ we would be matched quickly.
Not long after panel, we registered an interest in a child (put our names forward to become her parents) and were invited to an adoption craft morning where prospective parents and children who need adopting meet and interact over some activities. Emotionally, we put everything into this child, she was the first glimpse of hope. We firmly believed that she could be ours and after meeting her this only cemented that she could be the perfect match for us. However, she wasn’t to be the one. We were amongst a handful of others who had registered an interest in her and her social workers found another family geographically closer who could meet her needs including fairly extensive contact with her birth family. All of a sudden we were left waiting again, slightly heartbroken that we hadn’t been chosen for this child who seemed so perfect. (Read more about this here - https://www.raisingateam.com/post/a-piece-of-me )
This continued for months.
I would check in very regularly online looking for our perfect match, but it seemed that many children couldn’t be placed with other children in the household and therefore couldn’t be matched with us. I was very aware there is a lot of behind the scenes detail that is not shared in the initial profile of a child to keep their confidentiality, social workers have the history of the children and an idea of what family set up might suit the child's needs best. However it was very difficult not to check regularly when you know that many children have so much interest from perspective adopters.
During this time, friends would ask how it was going, and we had the same reply that we were still waiting. We still knew it was the right thing for us, that we would eventually be matched with a child, but it was tough. We were told that from showing an interest in a child to them living with you can take as little as three months, therefore we found it difficult to plan. When asked to do things with friends, we always add the caveat ‘if we’ve adopted by then we won’t be able to come’, this meant some traditions such as holidays with friends, or weekends away had to be put on hold.
In December 2023 after 18 months of this and nearly two and a half years since applying, we decided we would wait until January, and then review. Our children were now older and we felt better able to manage the limited permanency that fostering can entail, we decided to contact the local fostering team and talk through some of the questions we had. It didn’t quite fit with what we had intended, but we felt that we were just here, waiting, ready to love, nurture and become the family to a new child and it didn’t seem to be happening through adoption.
In February 2024, we registered an interest in one more child, having just been turned away again due to having birth children – something we just saw as such a positive element of what we had to offer. We decided that we would see what happened and if this too didn’t end up in us being matched then we would apply to foster instead.
In contrast to the first time we registered an interest in a child, we had the same longing, but had grown to have less hope.
However this time was different. We met with social workers of this little boy, the meeting went well and we were invited to meet him at his foster carers home. We didn’t want to get our hopes up, but equally it felt a step in the right direction. This kept happening and with each step another fell into place. There was still a lot of waiting, waiting for the next step, waiting for someone to reply, waiting for more information, but we moved forward.
Suddenly, we were waiting for panel again – now heading towards the summer time again and two years since our approval panel - but this time our matching panel with our potential new child! Social workers were so positive, we were getting our hopes up and yet trying to remain calm and level headed at the same time – this is not easy to do!
Finally we came to the day and just as we had experienced in our initial panel, the wait was long, despite the social workers positive reassurances, but the outcome was positive! This was it! This small child was ours. I cannot explain this feeling and the joy that we now felt.
Over the next month we prepared ourselves and our children. We had a special holiday just as a family of four before our journey as a family of five began and started our transitions period to bring him home.
Over the next 6 months we got to know our amazing new son, to see his relationships with each of our family grow and flourish and to share in the joy of everyday with him. Heading towards the final element of waiting – the adoption order.
As we grew closer to this, again the sense of waiting grew, it was the final hurdle, but potentially a big one. We hadn't understood that even at this stage, birth parents can share their views and that there may be hold ups. For us, everything fell to place, although I appreciate that not everyone is that lucky and has more time to wait.
Now we are in our final stage of waiting for our celebration hearing. An opportunity for us to celebrate formally that we are a family of five and he is very much loved.
When I think back to that time, it all seems so long ago, life has been very busy since he joined us! It was such a difficult time, balancing hope, disappointments, excitement, shifting focus, uncertainty, relationships, family life and time. But that somehow feels insignificant now. So if you are now waiting, hang in there. It is tough, but you can do this.
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