Sleepless nights - supporting your adopted child

We have been very blessed by the dedication and hard work our adopted son’s foster carers put into to supporting his routines and general development during his time with them. Part of this is a great sleep routine. He enjoys the same as so many other three-year-olds - a bath, stories, cuddles and then with his favourite blanket, dinosaur teddy and some music to listen too he goes to sleep.

In the early days of his time with us, when everything was brand new, he would wake very frequently. This would be heartbreaking as he’d scream out multiple times a night, often making no sense and always unable to tell us what he was seeing in his dreams other than occasionally mentioning monsters.

We spoke a lot about the monsters he could see as he'd say we was scared of them - together we'd check behind curtains, under beds, around the house as needed and we reassured him constantly. We would anchor him on things that are real – us, our cat etc. and separate these from things that are not real and only in stories – monsters (although we recognised they felt very real to him)

I have worked with children of this age for many years, I know that around this age they can often develop fears that can cause night terrors, I know that sometimes they need a wee and it disturbs them, or the light or sounds are different. But this is different. Any other adoptive parent will tell you that this is different. This is the unguarded uncontrollable impact of change and insecurity within new circumstances. It will take time.

One of the things that we have found is that when he does wake, is that he doesn't know where he is or who we are. This is heartbreaking. He has been part of our family for nearly 9 months now, yet we have learnt that when he wakes, we need to point out things in his room, or things in our house including favourite toys, and talk about his brothers and our cat to try to wake him enough to calm him. We also need to add in our first names to our Mummy and Daddy names, constantly reassuring him who it is that is holding him, as in his sleepy disoriented state we want him to feel secure and safe as quickly as possible, but he can't when he can't be certain which adult from the many that have cared from him might be comforting him now.

The frequency of him waking has greatly improved over time. He now only wakes every couple of weeks and it is always following something new or different. He is also becoming increasingly easier to soothe and comfort as he settles more with us during the day. We have some huge milestones ahead of us in the next few months such as birthday's, starting school and his first birth family contact. But we also have smaller things such as increasing his hours at preschool or heading our somewhere new with friends or family for the day. I know, that these will prompt him to wake again but I don't know just how much impact it will have on the frequency o fhis unsettled sleep.

But if like me you are working with your child through every new change since they have joined your family, keep going, you are doing a great job. They will get there. Talk with them, centre them around what is real and tell them how much they are loved. I firmly believe that one day he will manage changes in a way that he can communicate with us in his waking hours so it’s not taken into his sleep so uncontrollably, as he's just begining to do this. But for the bigger things in his life, he isn't ready, now just isn’t quite the right time and that’s ok, because we are here to hold him and reassure him that he is loved and safe.