Managing Change

Recently in our family there have been a few things different from the norm. Across the past 5 weeks we have had three family birthdays and our first family weekend away with some of our wider family. This is a lot in a short space and we’ve all found ourselves a little tired despite how much we have enjoyed each event.

For our older two birth children, each of these events are now known; the birthdays have a plan that is expected – our family come, we have cake, they open and enjoy gifts chosen for them, they see friends, we have special food. The same with the weekend away – we have been to the same place a few times before, the children know what to expect, the layout of the swimming pool, the holiday lodges, the restaurants etc.

When they were around the same age as our youngest adopted son (3) I recall tears around this time especially on a siblings birthday - it can be difficult when you are three and someone else is the focus/being given exciting gifts! We would reassure them and they would soon settle and join in with the fun, celebrating the person whose birthday it was along with the rest of us.

The same with the weekend away, they might get tired, but they were completely secure in knowing that we were there together and it was safe, fun and planned for their enjoyment.

For our adopted child, I would say that this time has also been great fun, he has enjoyed helping his big brothers and myself open our gifts and has especially enjoyed all the cake! He had such a great weekend away where we saw him grow in confidence enormously as he jumped in the pool, blowing bubbles as he made his first attempts at swimming; or watching the wildlife from our holiday lodge window.

For him though there has been an added element of unease that has come with these events. I described this experience to a friend recently as like climbing Mount Everest -  that he will make many steps of progress and then a little regression will appear.

In contrast to the uncertainties of his initial months and weeks with us, we have seen significant progress in how settled he feels within our family. We have worked at his pace, introducing new concepts or experiences along the way as we have felt he was ready. But with just the slightest of change; no matter how much he seems to be enjoying it; the little unconscious signs of unease, uncertainty and feeling unsettled still appear in the days or weeks following.

We feel we know him well, we have taken a lot of time to learn these signs, we also know that in order to build his resilience and his interaction with the world, we need to safely give him these new experiences. With our birth children some preparation was needed and we were then able to enjoy an event or outing with the lasting impact being one of fun and excitement for the next experience. With our adopted son, we see lasting enjoyment mixed in with increased uncertainty and unsettled reactions.

We know that these changes still bring in questions of his security with us, leading him to ask if he is moving again or talk about missing people from his past. He will likely also regress around food or interactions with others that we continue to work hard to support him to grow from during a more regular period of family life. We know that he will get upset in the days following if any of the five of us are separate from the others, which often can’t be helped with school or work.

We know this will settle, we have seen it before; after Christmas for example. We know that as he grows older and settles more with us, that he will in time learn the routines of family events and therefore this may become a little less overwhelming for him. But we also know that birthdays, or new experiences, may also bring into question his time before us.  

We have found that there are certain things that we can do to support him with something new:

• Set aside extra time to plan, prepare and explain each new event leading up to and during it

• Talk through where each of the five of us will be at each point of change and who he will be with, and importantly, reassuring him that we will all come back together

• Include him in the event – decorating or making birthday cakes, making birthday cards, or packing his own belongings for time away – highlighting that the rest of his belongings will remain at our house

• Reassure him that we will be coming home, as a five, and use objects of reference, usually our cat, for us to see again on our return

• When he is unsettled, reassure him that we are his family, he is loved and safe with us

• Where possible video call people he has seen recently that he will most likely say he misses. Reassure him that they miss him and love him too, and that they will be able to see each other again soon

• When he talks about people from his past that he can’t see every time he talks about them (most commonly his foster carer in our case) we reassure him that they miss him too to validate his feeling, but we also try to move him back into his present through talking about something we have recently done and enjoyed.

• When he is displaying signs of regression, talk to him about it – I usually ask, ‘are you in a muddle?’ or ‘are you having a tricky time?’; we talk through why if he knows. If he isn’t sure, as most frequently he is not, we just talk through anything that might be causing him to feel unsettled, and tell him how much he is loved. We make sure to have consistent language and a consistent approach.  

• Be available - we are very fortunate that our little one is very tactile, for him having ‘a hug’ is how he seeks reassurance. If feeling a little overwhelmed, we make sure to stop and give him this, or hold his hand if its not possible, meeting this physical need. Some children prefer not to have so much physical affection when feeling overwhelmed– this is hard, but sitting with them, reassuring them that you are there when they are ready can help.

• Be patient – we have found that as the days or weeks move on, he becomes more settled, until the next new thing – overall are seeing progress in him being reassured more quickly. I have no doubt this will change as he grows older, sometimes becoming settled more quickly, and at other times having bigger periods of insecurity and uncertainty, but we will continue to be patient with him as we wait and support him.

It is difficult when we know he is safe and he is loved, that this insecurity is still such a prevalent part of who he is, and we know it will take time, maybe years for him to truly believe this too but we hope that one day he will.

Overall, I feel that these family events have been such a success for him, I am sure he has built some amazing new memories, its been lovely to hear him excitedly tell others about each birthday, or want to share photos and stories of his time away. We need to keep on giving him these experiences and reassuring him each step of the way as we do.  We will continue to be there supporting him to feel safe and loved within our family.