Being Three.

Today has been a tricky day for our little one. Lots of things have been difficult. He hasn’t wanted to have a drink or go to the toilet without getting upset. He couldn’t decide on which colour apple to have, or whether to have it cut up or have it whole. He didn’t want to hold hands with me to keep him safe when collecting his brother from school, all prompting him to get frustrated, cross and upset. He is three.

I know from my birth children and working in the early years that three can be difficult. Three is full of emotion. Three is changing your mind. Three is pushing the boundaries to see how the adults around you respond.

When parenting a birth child, this age group can be tricky, both of our older children approached this age completely differently. Our youngest adopted son is no different and is approaching this differently again.  With our older two, we had grown with them, we knew their history, how they had approached being two, or one. We knew the influences in their lives and how they navigated this.  We learnt from those around us as we were building a sense of how we wanted to parent together.

The major difference I’m noticing in parenting our adopted son is that his history is missing. Of course we have been told many things about his history, how it slots together, who is who, the circumstances leading to his adoption. But what we don’t know is day to day what every moment looked like with each of his previous care givers. What did they do when he couldn’t decide which colour apple. Did they give him a choice? Did they give him both? Was it peeled? Was it sliced or quartered? In a bowl or on a plate? Suddenly when you start unpicking this, you realise that even though we had a really positive hand over with his most recent foster carers, the everyday elements of his expectations are a guessing game.

For our little one, the feeling of needing to be in control can be a major part of how he navigates the world, and can you blame him! Almost everything has been out of his control. We frequently find this when offering a choice, particularly linked to food. If given more than two choices, he can struggle, taking a long time to think, making a choice then getting upset and wanting to change his mind again but not really settling on anything, resulting in my husband and I having to make the decision for him, which also leads to upset.

More commonly we offer a choice of two things - ‘would you like a banana or apple?’ Nearly everytime he will answer something completely different - ‘I have grapes?’ and will get stuck on asking for anything other than what is being offered. And I wonder why this is? I don’t think he’s being defiant, he isn't using a defiant tone or language, usually a questioning one. So what is it that makes him want to choose something different. Is it just that he is three and he’s trying to work out where the boundaries are and push them, or is there more to it? An uncertainty? An insecurity? A sense of this being yet another way of doing things.

We worked hard to be consistent with our older two when they were three, they of course pushed the boundaries, one much more than the other! and it took a lot of effort. But in remaining consistent when they were three, we were later able add in more flexibility as their understanding grew, to support them to develop their own decision making, learn the importance of being able to change their minds, and understand that actions and choices do have consequences. They still push boundaries now as they should; so that they can learn and grow, but it’s from a place of safety and security as they continue to build on a sense of right and wrong.

With our adopted son, the need to be consistent is amplified while we navigate our new life together. He needs to know that we can be trusted, our word can be relied upon and if we say we will do something, then we do it. He needs to know this because he also needs to know that when we say he doesn’t need to move again and we are his family forever, that we mean that too.

He can manage choices, he does so when he chooses a bedtime story, what to play with or what clothes to wear. In continuing to consistently respond positively when he is able to navigate these challenges and with the same consistent support and guidance when things aren't going the way he'd expected; I hope he can start to build trust in us beyond a surface level and learn to rely on us, relinquishing some of the control he relies on now.

So tomorrow will be another day, it may be a settled day with minimal upset, or it may be a challenge just like today where he finds it difficult to navigate his contradicting feelings or needs. We will be here to support him, to provide lots of cuddles and reassurance, to talk through and prepare him for the different elements of his day, to praise him for making good choices and help him with things that don’t go so well. We will slowly and steadily support him to build the skills he will need to navigate life and for now, we will just enjoy him being three because while three can be exhausting, it’s also an amazing time full of wonder and joy.