A piece of me

In my post - waiting - our adoption journey - I explained the processes of our journey but I felt that I should explore the element of emotions when waiting for your perfect match a little further. It can be a tough time.

During our wait of nearly two years from approval panel, we expressed interest in a lot of children. This is when you can start actively searching for a little one to join your family. Children from all backgrounds and experiences can be explored within your own criteria. 

As with all things new, following our panel we were excited, it was fresh, we felt we were made for this and couldn't wait for our family to grow. We were reassured we probably wouldn't be waiting long as we wanted an older child - just to say our criteria was age 2 - 4! We patiently and eagerly awaited the call we felt would come at any time. Having been approved in July I was of course planning our first Christmas together as a family of five. Wondering when their birthday might be and what interests they would have! I started looking at clothes in the shops and imagining what size they'd need.

Within a number of weeks we'd registered an interest in a little girl. She felt so right. We read about her and could instantly imagine her within our family. We were told that others were also being considered but couldn't imagine that we wouldn't be chosen - here it's important to understand that this isn't through arrogance, but from a place of real longing for this child and hope that this child could be the one.

Her social worker visited and we felt it had gone well and we were invited to meet her along with other prospective adopters and children needing adopting too at a craft event. We loved her. This meeting only cemented this for us. She really could be the one. We left feeling excited and hopeful, but also very aware that amongst us had been other couples there probably feeling exactly the same about this very child. 

After the meeting we waited. We knew the social workers had far more information than we would at this stage and they had to make their choice. 

It wasn't us. 

I couldnt believe it. While I had been saying it would be ok if she was matched with another family, I'm not sure I really meant it. We wanted to be her mummy and daddy and suddenly that was it. No further information, nothing more. 

Its such a strange experience. One in which you have choices but no control and where your lives are constantly in the hands of others. Over the following months we expressed interests in a number of different children. Boys, girls, 2 year olds, 4 year olds. Sometimes we didn't hear anything further, other times we would get as far as an email or video call conversation with a social worker. Each time with hope, longing and excitement and each time disappointed.

Over time I found my longing for our child didn't change, but my hope began to. I felt that with each child, particularly the first little girl, perhaps because we had met her, or perhaps because she was the first, a piece of my heart was left with them. I don't know if others have felt this too, but in order for you to really feel that they could become part of your family, you have to really believe they could and in doing so you give each of them a little bit of you. 

With time, I had learnt to guard myself a little, putting ourselves forward, but not fully committing emotionally as it would likely be another disappointment.

The week that I spotted our little ones profile, I registered an interest, like so many others, here was a little one who could fit so perfectly, he seemed to be a mix of us all. Shortly before this, we had been the only people considered for another little one and had still been turned down. My hope was wavering and I was questioning whether it could really happen this time. I had learnt not to give everything and was more guarded going into all meetings.

Things progressed, yet I couldn't allow myself to fully believe that it was! I asked our Social Worker - who was a great support - for reassurance so many times and she kept on giving me just that. We met his social workers and it still progressed, then we met him and he was just perfect, suddenly we had our panel date approaching and while some of me continued to linger in the 'this isn't going to happen', my hope did once again begin to build.

Fast forward to transition week. It finally felt real. This little boy was going to be ours and all of the waiting was gone. I think back now with him having been a part of our family for 7 months and realise that it did take me time - an added layer to bonding with him - to truly believe that everything would be ok and we he would become ours.

He is the perfect match for us. He is funny, and kind and inquisitive. He is a little mix of each one of us and his own person too and we all absolutely adore him. He was so worth the wait and now we couldn't imagine our lives without him. It just wasn’t the right timing before.

So if you are waiting for your little one, if you have just faced your first ‘no’ or you’ve had a number of them, hang in there, you can do this, you are not alone, but be mindful that it can be an emotional time, so make sure to talk it through with others.